Monday, 8 September 2014
Let me tell you abit about relapse. It sucks ass, it's evil, it slithers in on you, you ignore all the signs, brush them all away while trying to not put much though into them. You ignore that feeling that something is trying not only to squeeze you to death at night, but has placed a huge brick on your chest. These physical manifestations are your fears and emotions. I think anyways. For over the past month and a bit, (you'll notice yourself you won't be able to pin point the moment or even the day when your relapse started) I have been so wrapped up in preventing anything bad happening to me when I went back to college, I couldn't see that something bad was happening to me right now.
Of course, like all situations you look back and see the signs so clearly. The constant emotional and physical symptoms of stress; my head hurting, my teeth hurting, pains in my neck and shoulders, my stomach in bits, sleeplessness, night visions, tears, eyes burning, all the shit that goes with this crap. I am not a great person without my sleep in the first place, but adding on all these, and I started to crumble.
I kept thinking that it was simply everything to do with college, getting ready, moving my stuff, organising somewhere to live and registering and picking subjects, the pressure of final year and what would I do with my life afterwards. But then in the past two weeks the stress just became too much. I kept thinking 'I wish my head would just stop and give me a break' and 'I just want to go home', which made no sense as I was at home. But it's because the place you're meant to feel most at home in, most comfortable in is my head, and I was not feeling happy in there by any means. I also thought both these thoughts before I went to hospital in November 2013.
Last week things started to go very much down hill. I didn't understand the point of things anymore and all I thought about were regrets and the things I hadn't achieved in life. I didn't fully understand that you could feel hopeless but not suicidal, but I do now. After breaking down to a good friend (you know who you are) I worked up the nerve to tell my family how bad I felt, and that I needed to get back in touch with the hospital, as all the tools I had had not worked and I was out of ideas of how to help myself. A big problem is this time, its not the anxiety, its a huge wave of depression. It may mean a change of medication to help stabilise my mood. I'm not used to dealing with this heavy level of depression, and have no tools to cope.
Telling people you feel so bad is probably the scariest part of all, next to the admittance to hospital. It's almost like at the same time you are really admitting it to yourself you need help. Also I worried sick about how it would affect my family, could the cope with the stress of it all again? My baby brother is going into his final year in college, how would my admission affect him? Then there was college. I am supposed to be going back the 22nd of September, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this. I'm still registering and going ahead with all plans as normal, but I won't lie, in my darker moments I wonder will I ever finish this year, and if I do go back will I be able to get decent enough marks to finish my degree? I think sometimes people forget, even when you're past a rough time with your mental health, you still have to go back and try pick up the pieces of your life from where you left it.
After a terrible weekend just past, during which I had to be left on my own for the day, I decided there was not much point in eating, which left my weak and I fell hitting my head but thankfully not needing stitches. At that stage I'd been in bed constantly and unable to get warm or motivate myself to do anything much, for five days. My family and friends have been wonderful and tried everything, but there comes a point where they know themselves you need professional help. So this Wednesday I'm being re admitted, I'm not sure for how long.
To be totally honest, I'd rather be curled up in my little 'cave' of blankets than writing this as I find it tough to put what I'm trying to say into words eloquently. But I needed to do this, to say relapse is ok, it happens, its shit, but it happens. I never planned to be back in hospital this year, but I'm going to be and it's going to be ok. Reach out and please get help if you need it. There's no shame in it, in fact I think you need to be braver to ask for help than suffer. Actually, I know you do.
I don't have internet in the ward in the hospital, but there is in some places, so I'll try keep in touch with the blog as much as possible. I'm going to bring in a small little computer with me, and write articles and try upload them when I have internet access. I hope people won't forget about the blog as I am so grateful to everyone who reads it. I would really appreciate if people could keep my family in their thoughts, prayers, chants what ever you're into, as where as I will get help and support, families don't always get the same level of support.
So I guess this is it for a little while, I'm really nervous about going in, but I know its the right thing to do. I hope everyone out there is doing well.
Love as always.