Just please have a read...

So I was sitting at the kitchen table, after a days study, when this familiar wave crept over me. Its started off slow, and then hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't an unusual feeling, I'd been here before. In the chest crushing, over whelming sense of the emotion this wave brought.

That wave, was loneliness.

Now please don't stop reading because you think this is going to be a really depressing post and for feck sake theres enough bad shit going on in the world, I dont need to be reading more of it! I get that feeling, honestly I do. It's the same thing thats been going through my head as the Irish Times puts up constant posts about homelessness on my Twitter feed, and I can't cope with the sadness of homelessness because my own home means so much to me and I couldn't bare to loose it. Not to mention the idea that you'd have no body in the world who'd want to look after you.

So I decided in order to cope with this over whelming sense of loneliness I was going to busy myself by cleaning my room. I was going to pull out all the drawers and clean them and dust everything and I was going to be so shattered tired after all that I wouldnt be able to be lonely, and wouldn't I have a great sense of achievement and then that'd be lonliness pushed aside for another night!

And then...

On my twitter feed...

Popped up this fella.....

And I realised, that tonight, yeah maybe I was going to clean out my whole room, and it'd be great.  But that I wasn't going to run away from what I felt. That loneliness was shit, but it was ok to feel it and I shouldn't have to hide it.

I started thinking as well about what Kevin says about how depression never goes away. Now my speciality so to speak isn't really depression, I do suffer with it, but I would class myself as suffering more with anxiety. But the same rings true for both illness', they don't go away, even when you recover.

In the media, and I think this is a perception I have enforced upon myself, it's ok to suffer with mental health, as long as you're on the road to recovery and you're not suffering right now. I say this is a self inflicted perception I  have because despite setting up this blog to communicate to the outside world what it was like to suffer from a mental illness, I haven't really said much about the day to day issues.  Ya know its ok to not be ok, just not right now.

Stigma. It's one of the biggest words around mental health. Even when I do outpatient programmes we talk about stigma. Society's stigma, self stigma, these are huge issues and I personally don't have answers for them. I self stigmatise A LOT.  Another stigma thats coming up is this idea of bringing people down when you talk about your mental issues, and this is where the idea of 'it's ok to not be ok, just not right now' comes into play.

I don't blame people. Its only natural to not want to hear sad things. About homelessness, about the economy, about how a loved one is feeling like shit yet again today. But this fear of bringing people down, or that people switch off when things we don't really want to hear about come up, is real. and its so damaging to people who suffer with mental health.

This fear of bringing people down just adds to the culture of silence about certain aspects about mental health. Mental health is such a hot topic, and for that I am so grateful. Its not lost on me that if I'd been born generations earlier I'd possibly of been sent to have a frontal lobotomy,  if I hadn't had such wonderful caring folks I could of ended up on drugs and if they're hadn't of been such awareness there would never of been such great work done around mental health and I might still not be here.

But we need to open the discussion further..

We need to say it's ok to talk about the day to day stuff. That people don't need to pay €150 an hour to have someone listen to their thoughts because they've got people in their day to day lives who even if they don't fully understand that they will listen anyways because it's ok to talk about these things.

It needs to be ok for me to write here:

I'M SO LONELY AND IT SUCKS!!

and not have people think I'm doing it for attention, because I'm not. And I don't want a friend who's a psychologist. I just want a friend who will come over and watch a dvd, who'll help me shop for my family's Christmas presents, who knows my favourite bar of chocolate and know not to offer it to me because I'm permanently on a diet! I want a friend who knows me and accepts me, who I can know and accept back.

Because I might not be the best fun in the world, but I'm an ok person, who'd like a friend. And if you stayed with me till here, thanks so much, it means an awful lot to me. *HUGS*

And thanks Kevin, for reminding me why I started this fight, and why I get up every day and fight some more.

First Lifestyle Change Update!

     Hi Pretty people!


    Sorry this post is a bit delayed, I meant to post on Thursday, but I was really busy with moving my stuff up for college and unpacking. It's really exciting but so scary too! I am moving into my grandmother's vacant house, so it is a home from home, which is nice. I've also being setting up a mental health 'toolbox' for myself to keep well in college which I will do a separate post on later. At the moment lack of sleep and nightmares are a problem, but I'm working through it:)


                                   

   So, on to the lifestyle change! I found it quite hard at first. The night I wrote the last article I got up and went for a walk, which I really enjoyed. That Friday night I was suffering with hormones and I did eat a bit of chocolate, but not as much as I normally would, which I was happy with! I have been going for brisk thirty minute walks most days, which has been working up a bit of a sweat and getting my heart rate up, which is an improvement. I also downloaded an app called FitCommit, where you can set your goal in either how long you exercise for everyday, or how many calories you want to loose a day. You can add any type of exercise and the app will work out how many calories you have lost depending on how long you have performed it for. It puts a tick on every day you reach your goal and I find it great encouragement to look at the calendar and see how many days I have reached my target, which is thirty minutes of exercise every day. This may not work for every one, but so far I have found it very useful. I think if you have your phone constantly around, it's worth looking into apps which might be practical and provide you with reminders and incentive.


                                     

FitCommit App

   The last time I posted my weight I put it in stone, but as it's easier to track any loss, I have changed to Kilos. As I was just over nine stone the last time I was 58 kilos, and on 28 August I was (drum roll people!!!) 

Waist: 26 inches (loss of 1.5 inches)
Hips: 36 and 1/4 inches (loss of 1/4 inch)
Thighs: 22.5 inches (gain of 2.5 inches)
Weight: 56kilos (loss of 2 kilos or 4.4 lbs)



                                       

   I am delighted and amazed at this!! I am not too worried about my thighs as I know that this will be the hardest place to loose from and I decided to measure them at the widest part this time. I'll be honest, I didn't starve myself and I didn't kill myself going to the gym. I just made slightly better choices, less chocolate, a little less bread, slightly smaller portions and walking and getting up when I can. I have been trying my best to change my attitude towards physical activate,y for example if something was needed from up stairs I'd go and get it, and walk short distances which I would of once wanted to drive. Basically what I'm saying is, we don't all need to become gym bunnies, don't get my wrong, my aim is to be fit, but we can start the process here and now, by making small every day changes to our lifestyle. This week has been proof of that to me more than ever! I did have a cheat day on Saturday, where I had fish with no batter and chips and banoffie pie, but instead of having a whole slice to myself, I shared it and only had a few mouthfuls. 


                                         

 
    I also find as well that seeing the weight loss there in black and white on the paper is a huge help. Sometimes we can't see the changes in our clothes, or in the mirror, but to see it somewhere, to see a goal being achieved, it can be the best incentive ever. I think it is important to discover what your own incentive is when it comes to loosing weight, is new clothes, is it a family get together? Or is it like me, you simply want to change your lifestyle in order to get healthier and look better? What ever it is, keep reminders all around you; I have my backgrounds on my phone and computer changed to keep me reminded of the changes I want to make. I also asked my mom to support me and remind me why I'm doing this, try rope in family, friends or your partner to help. 


 I think it's also important to stop looking at this as a diet, and think of it more as a permanent change in your life. A diet makes it sound like a short term change, where as the reality is even when you have achieved your target weigh loss, there will still be maintenance required.  So try see it as a lifetime pursuit, rather than something that if you do for a little while, you can go back to the eating habits ect. you had before and won't put any weight on. It's a bitch, but it is the reality of it. 

                                           

  So, for next week? Well I'm hoping to loose a half a pound at least, and to walk at least four days of the week. The reason I'm aiming for such a small weight loss is I know often after a large weight loss, it can often slow down and I would rather set myself a small, realistic goal, and therefor continue to achieve my goals. I am also not promising myself I will walk every day as I have a very busy week ahead, and may not manage it. I really feel setting small goals that I feel I can achieve, and building on them as I go along is the best way to do this, and if I can do more than my goals, wayhay! Would love to hear how other people are getting on if they've started this journey and what do people think of the FitCommit app? How do other people keep themselves motivated?

  I also don't ever post full length pictures of myself, but since I had my little bit of good news I decided to do an ootd! I never know how to pose for photos and what to do with my hands! Hope you like it:)



                                       

Black Ankle Boots: Primark
Leggings: River Island
Vest: H&M
Kimono: Dunnes
Necklace: Primark
Choker: E-bay

  Much love and take care of yourself:)xxxx


 


 

 

 
   

Small Update, which actually turned into a long one!!

Hi pretty people!!


        I just wanted to check in and say hello as I realised today that its been almost a week since I posted anything. I really don't want to be one of those blog people that only post things once a month, especially when I actually have time on my hands! 

       So a few things have been going on. Probably the most important issue has been an addition to my medication. Generally, I am on 20mg of Lexapro a day to help control my depression and anxiety.  I have tried coming off this medication before and trying other tablets, but so far this has been the most successful one for me. I have no medical training and can only speak about my own experiences  but I will leave links to details on it down below. However, my anxiety was still a huge problem. When I went back for my first review appointment after leaving hospital I discussed how bad things had been with my team; at one point I couldn't leave the house for a week and shook badly every time I did leave the house in general, I couldn't eat in public and so on, so it was not much of a quality of life. Despite my previous negative experiences with the drug my team asked me to try Lyrica, again I will leave links below to the details of the drug. Unsurprisingly, I was very nervous taking it, as I had had problems with it before, but my team explained to me these were probably caused by the cocktail of drugs I was on, and also how the drug had been prescribed for me, i.e. I should have been put on it at a much slower pace. 

                        

       So this initially started at 50mg a day, and we increased the dose slowly over a month, until I was taking 200mg a day. I personally feel they have made a huge improvement when it comes to my anxiety. They have allowed me to say yes to things which may have frightened me previously and I would not even of attempted to do. When I was going through the first few days of the dose increase I did feel slightly sleepy but this stopped, and other wise I have had no side effects at all. I think with Lyrica you may not even notice the effects yourself but people around me have defiantly mentioned the difference to me.

      Monday of this week I had to travel to Dublin to see my team to review how I was getting on with the medication. I had been to a 21st birthday party Saturday and was too tired to travel Sunday, which meant travelling up really early to Dublin Monday morning. I know some of my triggers for causing me problems and setting me back and lack of sleep is number one on the list! So I got up at 6am Monday morning, travelled for about four hours to see my team, saw two friends and eventually arrived home that night at 10.30pm after another four hours of travelling. Now, for people who are well travelled or don't suffer with tiredness that might be fine. However I am still shattered now and its Wednesday evening. Also my team decided to raise my dose again of the Lyrica but this time by 100mg a day, which is a much faster increase than I am used to. I'm back to taking naps during the day and because there's also a virus going around our house I feel utterly crap at the moment. I don't think crap is a medical term but it's defiantly a human term everyone can understand!

      Also I have officially decided to go back to college. This was a huge decision for me because even though I really want to go back, I'm very nervous about doing it and I know right now I'm not ready to go back and I am really hoping I wont feel that way come September. Also most of the people I know have graduated (which in some cases is GREAT!), and my best friend in college and all her lovely friends are going abroad (I'll miss you Zoe!) so really I'll know no one, which is pretty nerve-wracking. I worry sometimes too I won't be able for the course after being away for a year coupled with the fact it's my final year and so much depends on it. In life though you have to look for the positives, and my college have been very supportive (go D.C.U!) and I'm hoping to make new friends and trying to look at it all as a fresh start:) I think a lot of students go through these worries, and hopefully I won't have to face them alone. 


                     

      Recently, there have been people in my life that deep down I have known all along were not the type of people I really wanted to be friends with, but because I didn't have a whole load of company my judgement was impaired. These people have dragged me down, made me feel unworthy, lied to me (but apparently with good reason!) and greatly upset me, despite never meaning to. They're clingy and when they came to visit my home house I had to speak to them about how they treated my parents, never a good thing!! If you follow me on Instagram you will have seen my rant about this which put all the anger and frustration I feel into words. I have been trying to distance myself from these people, but because at times I am too soft for my own good I am struggling with the situation still and it is taking a lot out of me. I'll keep you updated....

                   

                          

     I suppose really what I'm trying to say is that I am shattered. I still love, love doing this blog, and it means the world to me to think people have read it,  I have just been so tired recently and every time I went to the computer to write something, I just couldn't even think, and I did not want to write crap for the sake of it. Though I'm not sure this isn't what I've done now! I just wanted to explain to people things have been tough. I guess as well to remind people that mental health is a tough topic, and when you suffer with it every day tasks can become huge issues.  If there is someone in your life like that remind to be patient with them and to support them as much as possible. Heck, be patient with everyone and support them!

    I don't know if people will read this, and a massive thank you to those that do:) I have quite a few beauty reviews coming so looking forward to seeing you all for those.

Much love and hugs! x


Lexapro:http://www.drugs.com/pro/lexapro.html


Lyrica: http://www.lyrica.com

Quick Update!

Hey pretty people!

Sorry I have not been blogging as much as normal, there's been a lot of personal stuff going on at the moment such as addition to my medication and having to face my fears head on, along with the added stress of unwanted visitors! But rest assured I will be back, as I miss writing the blog too! 

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend and happy (belated) 4th of July:) x

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/12379109/?claim=map6gcjpqhu">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>


Give me a follow on bloglovin if you like:)