Just please have a read...

So I was sitting at the kitchen table, after a days study, when this familiar wave crept over me. Its started off slow, and then hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't an unusual feeling, I'd been here before. In the chest crushing, over whelming sense of the emotion this wave brought.

That wave, was loneliness.

Now please don't stop reading because you think this is going to be a really depressing post and for feck sake theres enough bad shit going on in the world, I dont need to be reading more of it! I get that feeling, honestly I do. It's the same thing thats been going through my head as the Irish Times puts up constant posts about homelessness on my Twitter feed, and I can't cope with the sadness of homelessness because my own home means so much to me and I couldn't bare to loose it. Not to mention the idea that you'd have no body in the world who'd want to look after you.

So I decided in order to cope with this over whelming sense of loneliness I was going to busy myself by cleaning my room. I was going to pull out all the drawers and clean them and dust everything and I was going to be so shattered tired after all that I wouldnt be able to be lonely, and wouldn't I have a great sense of achievement and then that'd be lonliness pushed aside for another night!

And then...

On my twitter feed...

Popped up this fella.....

And I realised, that tonight, yeah maybe I was going to clean out my whole room, and it'd be great.  But that I wasn't going to run away from what I felt. That loneliness was shit, but it was ok to feel it and I shouldn't have to hide it.

I started thinking as well about what Kevin says about how depression never goes away. Now my speciality so to speak isn't really depression, I do suffer with it, but I would class myself as suffering more with anxiety. But the same rings true for both illness', they don't go away, even when you recover.

In the media, and I think this is a perception I have enforced upon myself, it's ok to suffer with mental health, as long as you're on the road to recovery and you're not suffering right now. I say this is a self inflicted perception I  have because despite setting up this blog to communicate to the outside world what it was like to suffer from a mental illness, I haven't really said much about the day to day issues.  Ya know its ok to not be ok, just not right now.

Stigma. It's one of the biggest words around mental health. Even when I do outpatient programmes we talk about stigma. Society's stigma, self stigma, these are huge issues and I personally don't have answers for them. I self stigmatise A LOT.  Another stigma thats coming up is this idea of bringing people down when you talk about your mental issues, and this is where the idea of 'it's ok to not be ok, just not right now' comes into play.

I don't blame people. Its only natural to not want to hear sad things. About homelessness, about the economy, about how a loved one is feeling like shit yet again today. But this fear of bringing people down, or that people switch off when things we don't really want to hear about come up, is real. and its so damaging to people who suffer with mental health.

This fear of bringing people down just adds to the culture of silence about certain aspects about mental health. Mental health is such a hot topic, and for that I am so grateful. Its not lost on me that if I'd been born generations earlier I'd possibly of been sent to have a frontal lobotomy,  if I hadn't had such wonderful caring folks I could of ended up on drugs and if they're hadn't of been such awareness there would never of been such great work done around mental health and I might still not be here.

But we need to open the discussion further..

We need to say it's ok to talk about the day to day stuff. That people don't need to pay €150 an hour to have someone listen to their thoughts because they've got people in their day to day lives who even if they don't fully understand that they will listen anyways because it's ok to talk about these things.

It needs to be ok for me to write here:

I'M SO LONELY AND IT SUCKS!!

and not have people think I'm doing it for attention, because I'm not. And I don't want a friend who's a psychologist. I just want a friend who will come over and watch a dvd, who'll help me shop for my family's Christmas presents, who knows my favourite bar of chocolate and know not to offer it to me because I'm permanently on a diet! I want a friend who knows me and accepts me, who I can know and accept back.

Because I might not be the best fun in the world, but I'm an ok person, who'd like a friend. And if you stayed with me till here, thanks so much, it means an awful lot to me. *HUGS*

And thanks Kevin, for reminding me why I started this fight, and why I get up every day and fight some more.

Relapse 101

      Let me tell you abit about relapse. It sucks ass, it's evil, it slithers in on you, you ignore all the signs, brush them all away while trying to not put much though into them. You ignore that feeling that something is trying not only to squeeze you to death at night, but has placed a huge brick on your chest. These physical manifestations are your fears and emotions. I think anyways. For over the past month and a bit, (you'll notice yourself you won't be able to pin point the moment or even the day when your relapse started) I have been so wrapped up in preventing anything bad happening to me when I went back to college, I couldn't see that something bad was happening to me right now.

   Of course, like all situations you look back and see the signs so clearly. The constant emotional and physical symptoms of stress; my head hurting, my teeth hurting, pains in my neck and shoulders, my stomach in bits, sleeplessness, night visions, tears, eyes burning, all the shit that goes with this crap. I am not a great person without my sleep in the first place, but adding on all these, and I started to crumble.

  I kept thinking that it was simply everything to do with college, getting ready, moving my stuff, organising somewhere to live and registering and picking subjects, the pressure of final year and what would I do with my life afterwards. But then in the past two weeks the stress just became too much. I kept thinking 'I wish my head would just stop and give me a break' and 'I just want to go home', which made no sense as I was at home. But it's because the place you're meant to feel most at home in, most comfortable in is my head, and I was not feeling happy in there by any means. I also thought both these thoughts before I went to hospital in November 2013.

   Last week things started to go very much down hill. I didn't understand the point of things anymore and all I thought about were regrets and the things I hadn't achieved in life. I didn't fully understand that you could feel hopeless but not suicidal, but I do now. After breaking down to a good friend (you know who you are) I worked up the nerve to tell my family how bad I felt, and that I needed to get back in touch with the hospital, as all the tools I had had not worked and I was out of ideas of how to help myself. A big problem is this time, its not the anxiety, its a huge wave of depression. It may mean a change of medication to help stabilise my mood. I'm not used to dealing with this heavy level of depression, and have no tools to cope.

  Telling people you feel so bad is probably the scariest part of all, next to the admittance to hospital. It's almost like at the same time you are really admitting it to yourself you need help. Also I worried sick about how it would affect my family, could the cope with the stress of it all again? My baby brother is going into his final year in college, how would my admission affect him? Then there was college. I am supposed to be going back the 22nd of September, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this. I'm still registering and going ahead with all plans as normal, but I won't lie, in my darker moments I wonder will I ever finish this year, and if I do go back will I be able to get decent enough marks to finish my degree? I think sometimes people forget, even when you're past a rough time with your mental health, you still have to go back and try pick up the pieces of your life from where you left it.

   After a terrible weekend just past, during which I had to be left on my own for the day, I decided there was not much point in eating, which left my weak and I fell hitting my head but thankfully not needing stitches. At that stage I'd been in bed constantly and unable to get warm or motivate myself to do anything much, for five days. My family and friends have been wonderful and tried everything, but there comes a point where they know themselves you need professional help.  So this Wednesday I'm being re admitted, I'm not sure for how long.

 To be totally honest, I'd rather be curled up in my little 'cave' of blankets than writing this as I find it tough to put what I'm trying to say into words eloquently. But I needed to do this, to say relapse is ok, it happens, its shit, but it happens. I never planned to be back in hospital this year,  but I'm going to be and it's going to be ok. Reach out and please get help if you need it. There's no shame in it, in fact I think you need to be braver to ask for help than suffer. Actually, I know you do.

 I don't have internet in the ward in the hospital, but there is in some places, so I'll try keep in touch with the blog as much as possible. I'm going to bring in a small little computer with me, and write articles and try upload them when I have internet access. I hope people won't forget about the blog as I am so grateful to everyone who reads it. I would really appreciate if people could keep my family in their thoughts, prayers, chants what ever you're into, as where as I will get help and support, families don't always get the same level of support.

  So I guess this is it for a little while, I'm really nervous about going in, but I know its the right thing to do. I hope everyone out there is doing well.


  Love as always.
xxx

Small Update, which actually turned into a long one!!

Hi pretty people!!


        I just wanted to check in and say hello as I realised today that its been almost a week since I posted anything. I really don't want to be one of those blog people that only post things once a month, especially when I actually have time on my hands! 

       So a few things have been going on. Probably the most important issue has been an addition to my medication. Generally, I am on 20mg of Lexapro a day to help control my depression and anxiety.  I have tried coming off this medication before and trying other tablets, but so far this has been the most successful one for me. I have no medical training and can only speak about my own experiences  but I will leave links to details on it down below. However, my anxiety was still a huge problem. When I went back for my first review appointment after leaving hospital I discussed how bad things had been with my team; at one point I couldn't leave the house for a week and shook badly every time I did leave the house in general, I couldn't eat in public and so on, so it was not much of a quality of life. Despite my previous negative experiences with the drug my team asked me to try Lyrica, again I will leave links below to the details of the drug. Unsurprisingly, I was very nervous taking it, as I had had problems with it before, but my team explained to me these were probably caused by the cocktail of drugs I was on, and also how the drug had been prescribed for me, i.e. I should have been put on it at a much slower pace. 

                        

       So this initially started at 50mg a day, and we increased the dose slowly over a month, until I was taking 200mg a day. I personally feel they have made a huge improvement when it comes to my anxiety. They have allowed me to say yes to things which may have frightened me previously and I would not even of attempted to do. When I was going through the first few days of the dose increase I did feel slightly sleepy but this stopped, and other wise I have had no side effects at all. I think with Lyrica you may not even notice the effects yourself but people around me have defiantly mentioned the difference to me.

      Monday of this week I had to travel to Dublin to see my team to review how I was getting on with the medication. I had been to a 21st birthday party Saturday and was too tired to travel Sunday, which meant travelling up really early to Dublin Monday morning. I know some of my triggers for causing me problems and setting me back and lack of sleep is number one on the list! So I got up at 6am Monday morning, travelled for about four hours to see my team, saw two friends and eventually arrived home that night at 10.30pm after another four hours of travelling. Now, for people who are well travelled or don't suffer with tiredness that might be fine. However I am still shattered now and its Wednesday evening. Also my team decided to raise my dose again of the Lyrica but this time by 100mg a day, which is a much faster increase than I am used to. I'm back to taking naps during the day and because there's also a virus going around our house I feel utterly crap at the moment. I don't think crap is a medical term but it's defiantly a human term everyone can understand!

      Also I have officially decided to go back to college. This was a huge decision for me because even though I really want to go back, I'm very nervous about doing it and I know right now I'm not ready to go back and I am really hoping I wont feel that way come September. Also most of the people I know have graduated (which in some cases is GREAT!), and my best friend in college and all her lovely friends are going abroad (I'll miss you Zoe!) so really I'll know no one, which is pretty nerve-wracking. I worry sometimes too I won't be able for the course after being away for a year coupled with the fact it's my final year and so much depends on it. In life though you have to look for the positives, and my college have been very supportive (go D.C.U!) and I'm hoping to make new friends and trying to look at it all as a fresh start:) I think a lot of students go through these worries, and hopefully I won't have to face them alone. 


                     

      Recently, there have been people in my life that deep down I have known all along were not the type of people I really wanted to be friends with, but because I didn't have a whole load of company my judgement was impaired. These people have dragged me down, made me feel unworthy, lied to me (but apparently with good reason!) and greatly upset me, despite never meaning to. They're clingy and when they came to visit my home house I had to speak to them about how they treated my parents, never a good thing!! If you follow me on Instagram you will have seen my rant about this which put all the anger and frustration I feel into words. I have been trying to distance myself from these people, but because at times I am too soft for my own good I am struggling with the situation still and it is taking a lot out of me. I'll keep you updated....

                   

                          

     I suppose really what I'm trying to say is that I am shattered. I still love, love doing this blog, and it means the world to me to think people have read it,  I have just been so tired recently and every time I went to the computer to write something, I just couldn't even think, and I did not want to write crap for the sake of it. Though I'm not sure this isn't what I've done now! I just wanted to explain to people things have been tough. I guess as well to remind people that mental health is a tough topic, and when you suffer with it every day tasks can become huge issues.  If there is someone in your life like that remind to be patient with them and to support them as much as possible. Heck, be patient with everyone and support them!

    I don't know if people will read this, and a massive thank you to those that do:) I have quite a few beauty reviews coming so looking forward to seeing you all for those.

Much love and hugs! x


Lexapro:http://www.drugs.com/pro/lexapro.html


Lyrica: http://www.lyrica.com