Relapse 101

      Let me tell you abit about relapse. It sucks ass, it's evil, it slithers in on you, you ignore all the signs, brush them all away while trying to not put much though into them. You ignore that feeling that something is trying not only to squeeze you to death at night, but has placed a huge brick on your chest. These physical manifestations are your fears and emotions. I think anyways. For over the past month and a bit, (you'll notice yourself you won't be able to pin point the moment or even the day when your relapse started) I have been so wrapped up in preventing anything bad happening to me when I went back to college, I couldn't see that something bad was happening to me right now.

   Of course, like all situations you look back and see the signs so clearly. The constant emotional and physical symptoms of stress; my head hurting, my teeth hurting, pains in my neck and shoulders, my stomach in bits, sleeplessness, night visions, tears, eyes burning, all the shit that goes with this crap. I am not a great person without my sleep in the first place, but adding on all these, and I started to crumble.

  I kept thinking that it was simply everything to do with college, getting ready, moving my stuff, organising somewhere to live and registering and picking subjects, the pressure of final year and what would I do with my life afterwards. But then in the past two weeks the stress just became too much. I kept thinking 'I wish my head would just stop and give me a break' and 'I just want to go home', which made no sense as I was at home. But it's because the place you're meant to feel most at home in, most comfortable in is my head, and I was not feeling happy in there by any means. I also thought both these thoughts before I went to hospital in November 2013.

   Last week things started to go very much down hill. I didn't understand the point of things anymore and all I thought about were regrets and the things I hadn't achieved in life. I didn't fully understand that you could feel hopeless but not suicidal, but I do now. After breaking down to a good friend (you know who you are) I worked up the nerve to tell my family how bad I felt, and that I needed to get back in touch with the hospital, as all the tools I had had not worked and I was out of ideas of how to help myself. A big problem is this time, its not the anxiety, its a huge wave of depression. It may mean a change of medication to help stabilise my mood. I'm not used to dealing with this heavy level of depression, and have no tools to cope.

  Telling people you feel so bad is probably the scariest part of all, next to the admittance to hospital. It's almost like at the same time you are really admitting it to yourself you need help. Also I worried sick about how it would affect my family, could the cope with the stress of it all again? My baby brother is going into his final year in college, how would my admission affect him? Then there was college. I am supposed to be going back the 22nd of September, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this. I'm still registering and going ahead with all plans as normal, but I won't lie, in my darker moments I wonder will I ever finish this year, and if I do go back will I be able to get decent enough marks to finish my degree? I think sometimes people forget, even when you're past a rough time with your mental health, you still have to go back and try pick up the pieces of your life from where you left it.

   After a terrible weekend just past, during which I had to be left on my own for the day, I decided there was not much point in eating, which left my weak and I fell hitting my head but thankfully not needing stitches. At that stage I'd been in bed constantly and unable to get warm or motivate myself to do anything much, for five days. My family and friends have been wonderful and tried everything, but there comes a point where they know themselves you need professional help.  So this Wednesday I'm being re admitted, I'm not sure for how long.

 To be totally honest, I'd rather be curled up in my little 'cave' of blankets than writing this as I find it tough to put what I'm trying to say into words eloquently. But I needed to do this, to say relapse is ok, it happens, its shit, but it happens. I never planned to be back in hospital this year,  but I'm going to be and it's going to be ok. Reach out and please get help if you need it. There's no shame in it, in fact I think you need to be braver to ask for help than suffer. Actually, I know you do.

 I don't have internet in the ward in the hospital, but there is in some places, so I'll try keep in touch with the blog as much as possible. I'm going to bring in a small little computer with me, and write articles and try upload them when I have internet access. I hope people won't forget about the blog as I am so grateful to everyone who reads it. I would really appreciate if people could keep my family in their thoughts, prayers, chants what ever you're into, as where as I will get help and support, families don't always get the same level of support.

  So I guess this is it for a little while, I'm really nervous about going in, but I know its the right thing to do. I hope everyone out there is doing well.


  Love as always.
xxx

First Lifestyle Change Update!

     Hi Pretty people!


    Sorry this post is a bit delayed, I meant to post on Thursday, but I was really busy with moving my stuff up for college and unpacking. It's really exciting but so scary too! I am moving into my grandmother's vacant house, so it is a home from home, which is nice. I've also being setting up a mental health 'toolbox' for myself to keep well in college which I will do a separate post on later. At the moment lack of sleep and nightmares are a problem, but I'm working through it:)


                                   

   So, on to the lifestyle change! I found it quite hard at first. The night I wrote the last article I got up and went for a walk, which I really enjoyed. That Friday night I was suffering with hormones and I did eat a bit of chocolate, but not as much as I normally would, which I was happy with! I have been going for brisk thirty minute walks most days, which has been working up a bit of a sweat and getting my heart rate up, which is an improvement. I also downloaded an app called FitCommit, where you can set your goal in either how long you exercise for everyday, or how many calories you want to loose a day. You can add any type of exercise and the app will work out how many calories you have lost depending on how long you have performed it for. It puts a tick on every day you reach your goal and I find it great encouragement to look at the calendar and see how many days I have reached my target, which is thirty minutes of exercise every day. This may not work for every one, but so far I have found it very useful. I think if you have your phone constantly around, it's worth looking into apps which might be practical and provide you with reminders and incentive.


                                     

FitCommit App

   The last time I posted my weight I put it in stone, but as it's easier to track any loss, I have changed to Kilos. As I was just over nine stone the last time I was 58 kilos, and on 28 August I was (drum roll people!!!) 

Waist: 26 inches (loss of 1.5 inches)
Hips: 36 and 1/4 inches (loss of 1/4 inch)
Thighs: 22.5 inches (gain of 2.5 inches)
Weight: 56kilos (loss of 2 kilos or 4.4 lbs)



                                       

   I am delighted and amazed at this!! I am not too worried about my thighs as I know that this will be the hardest place to loose from and I decided to measure them at the widest part this time. I'll be honest, I didn't starve myself and I didn't kill myself going to the gym. I just made slightly better choices, less chocolate, a little less bread, slightly smaller portions and walking and getting up when I can. I have been trying my best to change my attitude towards physical activate,y for example if something was needed from up stairs I'd go and get it, and walk short distances which I would of once wanted to drive. Basically what I'm saying is, we don't all need to become gym bunnies, don't get my wrong, my aim is to be fit, but we can start the process here and now, by making small every day changes to our lifestyle. This week has been proof of that to me more than ever! I did have a cheat day on Saturday, where I had fish with no batter and chips and banoffie pie, but instead of having a whole slice to myself, I shared it and only had a few mouthfuls. 


                                         

 
    I also find as well that seeing the weight loss there in black and white on the paper is a huge help. Sometimes we can't see the changes in our clothes, or in the mirror, but to see it somewhere, to see a goal being achieved, it can be the best incentive ever. I think it is important to discover what your own incentive is when it comes to loosing weight, is new clothes, is it a family get together? Or is it like me, you simply want to change your lifestyle in order to get healthier and look better? What ever it is, keep reminders all around you; I have my backgrounds on my phone and computer changed to keep me reminded of the changes I want to make. I also asked my mom to support me and remind me why I'm doing this, try rope in family, friends or your partner to help. 


 I think it's also important to stop looking at this as a diet, and think of it more as a permanent change in your life. A diet makes it sound like a short term change, where as the reality is even when you have achieved your target weigh loss, there will still be maintenance required.  So try see it as a lifetime pursuit, rather than something that if you do for a little while, you can go back to the eating habits ect. you had before and won't put any weight on. It's a bitch, but it is the reality of it. 

                                           

  So, for next week? Well I'm hoping to loose a half a pound at least, and to walk at least four days of the week. The reason I'm aiming for such a small weight loss is I know often after a large weight loss, it can often slow down and I would rather set myself a small, realistic goal, and therefor continue to achieve my goals. I am also not promising myself I will walk every day as I have a very busy week ahead, and may not manage it. I really feel setting small goals that I feel I can achieve, and building on them as I go along is the best way to do this, and if I can do more than my goals, wayhay! Would love to hear how other people are getting on if they've started this journey and what do people think of the FitCommit app? How do other people keep themselves motivated?

  I also don't ever post full length pictures of myself, but since I had my little bit of good news I decided to do an ootd! I never know how to pose for photos and what to do with my hands! Hope you like it:)



                                       

Black Ankle Boots: Primark
Leggings: River Island
Vest: H&M
Kimono: Dunnes
Necklace: Primark
Choker: E-bay

  Much love and take care of yourself:)xxxx


 


 

 

 
   

Make up Revolution Haul Review Collab!

   Hi Pretty people!


  I'm back today with a review collaboration! I have really been looking forward to this as I am collaborating with my wonderful friend Charlotte (aka lottes_beauty on instagram) of the blog http://www.ifyoufeedpeanutsyougetmonkeys.blogspot.ie. This was the first time myself or Charlotte had bought items from this range, MakeupRevolution, and all items we are reviewing were purchased  by ourselves. 

  So on to the review! I decided to have a look at this brand as their prices are fantastic, they do white and very pale foundations and at the time there was an offer on free shipping if you spent €24! I live in Ireland so normally shipping would be £4.95 for standard or £11.95 and if you spend over £40 you will get tracked shipping for the same price as standard. 

  First of all, there was one thing that got my back up. There is a feature on the site where you can transfer the prices, which are in British Pounds, to your own currency, which is great because you know exactly what you are spending. However,  when you go to pay by Paypal, Paypal uses their own conversation rate on how much you have in British Pounds. So I bought €24.55 worth, but wound up paying €26 when Paypal converted it. I wasn't on a strict budget but I don't like that you can't find out how much you are spending until you get to the Paypal stage. Otherwise the website is user friendly and they have good pictures with a zoom feature on their pictures.

 So here's a picture of my haul!

So as you can see I got a whopping nine items for my money.  I was very impressed with the packaging, especially the pressed powder, which comes out on a hinge, rather than having a lid that will inevitably get broke and then the powder cant be used! 

Awesome Eyeliner Felt and Kohl €4.19: Ok, I'll be honest I only really bought this as I needed something to add to my basket. I'm not a fan of felt liners but there is nothing wrong with this one, maybe its a little long to get close to the mirror to do the line. The Kohl end is good but doesn't smudge very well. It is very good value though, I think I'm just more a gel liner girl. The top line in the picture is the kohl smudged and the bottom lines are the felt.

Without Flash:
Concealer on Bottom

With Flash:
Concealer on bottom

Focus and Fix Liquid Concealer €2.40: I purchased this in 01 Fairest, which is the lightest colour. As you can see from the above pictures it is a very pale colour. This doesn't have a thick consistency, which makes it great for under the eyes, but I wouldn't recommend this for very bad blemishes. This could possibly be used under another concealer to reduce redness on very pale skin. It's liquidy consistency makes it very easy to apply to under the eyes and it doesn't sit in the lines as some thicker concealers can. Definitely will be repurchasing this. 

 

Amazing Lipstick €1.20: I purchased the shades 'Depraved', a blue toned purple and 'Bliss', which is sort of a neon coral. These lipsticks remind me of M.A.C's creme sheen lipsticks, in that you need to have exfoliated the lips before you use it, as it amplifies any dryness on the lips. However, they don't dry out the lip and the colour pigmentation is very good. Depraved has blue undertones and is by far my favourite of the two, it goes on very smoothly and the colour is amazing.  Bliss however, is not one I will be wearing! I thought this would be a bright coral, but instead it is an neon orange colour and looks cheap. In the pictures I have the Amazing lipsticks in Depraved swatches on top with M.A.C's Heroine below to compare. I also have the 'I <3 Makeup' lipstick swatches on the same hand which I will review after the pictures. I would definitely try more shades in this range as at this price you could afford to!

                                        

Top To Bottom:
Depraved
Heroine
Rising pulse
Japanese Maple

                                                             

Top To Bottom:
Depraved
Heroine
Risong pulse
Japanese Maple

'Bliss' Lipstick No flash



 I <3 Makeup Lipstick €2.98: I got this in the shade 'Rising Pulse'. It reminds me of M.A.C's 'Japanese Maple', but slightly browner as you can see from the swatches above. The bullet is in the shape of a heart and it definitely has a creamier constancy. This would be lovely as a nude lip with smokey eyes. All the lipsticks also have a little clear section in the packaging with the lip colour in it, which is a help to know which lipstick is which. I would definitely recommend this lipstick, and the colour itself is such a useful colour to have in your collection.

  Vivid Baked Highlighter €3.59: I purchased this in 'Pink lights' which is kind of confusing as it's more lilac than pink! I bought this to try brighten up my skin as lilac is recommended to combat dullness in the skin. It has a silver pink tone to it when applied and catches the light beautifully. This powder is very effective, and because of this you're better to apply lightly and build up if needed. I'm looking forward to trying out the other two colours in the range and at this price you can have all three! 

       

                                           

Swatch by natural light

 Cream Blusher €1.80: I have wanted to try a cream blusher for a while now and when I saw them at this price I decided to try it! I picked up 'Caramel Shake' which looked a little browner than my normal peach tone I'd go for, but in reality is a really nice peachy shade. After trying this I have to say, as well as it being a brilliant product for next to nothing, it has me hooked on cream blushers! Only the smallest amount is needed to give that healthy glow and it blends beautifully. I use a brush to apply and blend this but you can easily use your fingers also. 

                                                 

With flash

Without flash

    Pressed Powder €2.40: I bought this in 'Porcelain' which is the lightest shade. This powder has great packaging as it swings out on a hinge rather than having a lid which always falls off in your bag and breaks! It also has a mirror at the back which is the full size of the compact. It also came with a sponge, but I never use them. It sets the make up very well without being too powdery and is a good colour. I don't know if I would go out of my way to repurchase this, but I will definitely use it.  I could't get a swatch of this as it was too light to show up, sorry about that!

  The One Foundation €4.79:  I bought this in Shade 1, which is white. Pure white. It is very liquidy, which makes it very easy to mix with other foundations, which I will be doing when I get paler in the winter. Its very easy to apply and doesn't require any blending, while adapting to skin tone as it claims; it worked for both my mother and I, whom are completely different skin tones, albeit paler than either of our usual foundation. It needs a very good shake before every use. It has a beautiful matte finish without being too dead looking, which really surprised me, but I don't think this gives full coverage, as I could still see my freckles underneath! This is a small bottle 29mls, but because you need so little this will last and is excellent value for money. I will be purchasing the next shade up when I put in my next order. 

                                             

With Flash

Without Flash

 So all in all I'm pretty happy with my order, everything was very reasonably priced. I would like to see the company do more products, such a lip liners to go with their lipsticks as they have some very unusual lip colours, and liners would be a help. Their Instagram is very good for swatches and details, and they also have a face book page. I would like to see them sort out the conversion issue, and I am looking forward to trying out more lipsticks and their eye shadows.  I also really like the fact they cater for very pale skinned people.

 Has anyone else tried out this brand? What did people think?  Is there a much better selection on the stands in the U.K then there is on the website? 

Much love as always!xxx

http://www.makeuprevolutionstore.com/index.php/ 

www.ifyoufeedpeanutsyougetmonkeys.blogspot.ie : Charlotte's blog

  

Weight, oh wonderful weight....

 Hi Pretty people...


   I have to laugh at this 'thigh gap' phenomena that's about these days. Or rather in my case, cry. See, not only do I not have a thigh gap,(deep breath here as I reveal something humiliating) I don't have a gap above my knees in fact. Yes thats right. When I stand up straight my thighs are so big I have no space from my knees up. To be honest, not having a thigh gap doesn't phase me, I think it's complete bollox and such an unhealthy aim to strive for. What does bother me, is I feel my weight is out of control. 

          

   I suppose I should give you a bit of background of how I went from never having a problem with my weight (at times I was told by doctors I was seriously under weight), to having spent roughly the las ten years on a constant battle with my weight.

  Growing up in our house we rarely had sweets, fizzy drinks or take aways, and when we did they were a 'treat' a 'special occasion'. In hindsight I can see that this was a bad idea, associating fattening food with a positive, but I was only a kid, plus my parents loved walks and we had to go on them, so we didn't put on weight. So fast forward to sixteen when I began working in a pizza place, where we got free fast food on our break, and having my own money to buy what ever type of food I liked, and I was hooked. I love food that's bad for me. I still see it as a treat and a reward, I still want chocolate every day. Like really want it. Like of there is something sweet in the house I'll be thinking of it constantly. It's a horrible habit, but one I'm determined to break now.

                    

  For anyone who experiences anxiety, or in fact any mental issue tiredness is a permanent fact of life, it's because your body is dealing with so much other process going on due to the heightened state you're in. If anyone doesn't believe this, feel free to google it, its true. Add this to lack of energy, which leads to lack of exercising and the weight crept on. I actually enjoy exercise once you get past that initial first few days, but I usually wind up getting sick (terrible immune system) or letting one day pass, then another, then another... ya know how it goes..

  A big thing that upsets me when it comes to loosing weight, the only thing I feel like I'm loosing is my battle with weight. I'm able to loose that little bit, then it comes back on, and this loop has gone on for as long as I can remember, its so disheartening. 

In fact this whole issue is heartbreaking for me.


  I've never had those days where I could go out in a mini skirt or a body con dress, and now I'm in my 20's and I'm facing my final college year as nine stone, the heaviest I have ever been. Nine stone might sound very little to some people but with my height it's a problem. 

My stats are, today the 21 August:

Weight: Approx 9 stone
Waist: 27.5 inchs
Hips :36.5 inchs
Thighs: 20 inches
Height 4'11 (This is not likely to change sadly!)

  So as you can see I am really small and the weight is much more visible on smaller people. So today I am trying to start a new. Thursday might be a weird day to start but I'm starting now. I was watching a video on YouTube about weight loss, the girl had a quote 'Do it or it won't get done'. It makes perfect sense and no matter how many posts I write about weight loss, unless I do something about it, nothing will change. 

                          

    I don't think it's rocket science; less crappy food + more exercise = less weight, healthier person. I do feel that it's most realistic for me to tackle each issue separately. I know that in the next week the chances of me going to the gym is slim to none, because I still feel shitty after having that stupid cold. There are things I can do to help my weight between now and the time I write an update post on this, and that is try and get my eating under control. I really feel if I could do that, it would be a huge improvement. I like vegetables, but I'm terrible for eating fruit, so I'm hoping to change my attitude towards this. I know by my IBS I'm not getting fibre in my diet so I have to try work on that. Basically I need to not eat pastries, cake, or chocolate. If I could go a week without eating this type of  surgery food, I honestly feel it will be the first step on my journey. Obviously if I am up to it I won't be avoiding exercise either! 


                  

   I am hoping to loose about a pound by next Thursday, but if I could genuinely have no sugary foods what so ever between now and then I'd be thrilled!  I'm hoping by writing about it, I will feel more obliged to succeed as more people are watching.  Possibly seeing the changes in front of me in black and white will be what I need to not just start but keeping going this time, and make a real difference.


                    

  Thanks so much for reading, and please, PLEASE if anyone else is starting, during or finished their own weight loss journey let me know. I really think having other people doing it with you is a big help. Also if anyone has any type of exercise they find a bit more interesting than the normal gym routine let me know in the comments. To be honest I don't think I'll be up to sweating it out in the gym after college every day so I'd love to try something fun that wouldn't be a chore. Any recipes that    people have for quick dinners or meals I could take to college in some tupper ware would also be greatly appreciated:)

     Lots of love and look after yourselves and each other. xxx

20 Things About Me Tag:)

Hi Pretty people!

   This tag needs no introduction, and instead of just having it as a quick post, I decided to extend it a little bit. Not, mind you because I am in anyway more interesting than the next person, but because I was afraid the blog was becoming a bit too much about reviews, and I didn't really want to go down that route too much.

   So without further a due!

      1: I'm studying for a degree modern sociology in university. I did a month of my final year last        year, but had to defer due to hospital. Really looking forward to going back this September, I love college and find some of the stuff I study really interesting:)

       2: I adore animals! I have three cats, blackie, pete and felix; who's the only female, who, ahem, relocated from our neighbour's several years ago, cough! I also foster cats, and at the moment I have the wonderful Molly. At one point there was six cats and three kittens in our garden! I seem to spend my life covered in cat hair and scratches! I also have a dog, she's a Japanese Spitz and her name is Sama (the Japanese for lady), but she also goes by sam, samwise, sandwich, samy, baby, oi you and my favourite, fluffy arse. She's totally the baby of the house, is very much always in the middle of things and loves going for a walk!

         3: I like piercings, but love tattoos! I have my navel, tongue, snakebites, septum, micro dermal in my neck, tragus, cartilage and ears pierced. I have my ears stretched to 6mm or 2 gauge, which I know a lot of people disagree with, but I am sensitive to cheap metal in my ears and hated not wearing earring so I stretched my ears up and don't intend to go any bigger. I have about 12/13 tattoos, and my next session will be finishing off my half sleeve, hopefully this week, it was supposed to be last week but was sick with the flu last week:( I'm planning to do a blog post on tattoos with the help of my tattoo artist Eric, from Freedom Ink, and Gentleman Jay a very good friend of mine who's also a tattoo artist, so if anyone has any questions they'd like me to ask just comment below or on my Instagram! I have to say I think piercings and tattoos on the opposite sex extremely attractive too!:)

                                               

   

         4: I left school just as I was about to turn 16 due to a terrible bout of anxiety and depression. Eventually I started to work and have worked in a pizza place, hairdressers, retail, call centre, clothes boutique and eventually decided to go back and do my final exams before college and happily moved on to college:) The crappy jobs that I did before I went back to education are the drive behind me working at college when I really don't want to be there. Sometimes half the battle behind figuring out what you want to do, is finding what you really don't want to do. Even though everyone I knew from school has moved on, and I'm older than a lot of students I study with, I'm glad I waited to go to college, I know a lot more about myself and what I want out of life than I did when I was 18.

       5: I have a very negative body image. I don't like looking at my face and body and thats why I hardly ever put pictures up here of my full face or body, this is also why I find it hard to post face of the day or outfit of the day pictures. It mostly comes back to a very low self esteem due to incidents from my past, and I'll be working through that now my team have identified it. I'm also trying to loose the stone I put on on hospital and finally get in control of my weight, once and for all. But I'll be doing another post on that exclusively. I also photograph very badly and don't turn to in pictures like I actually look like! So please bare with me if I don't a lot of face of the day makeup! 

     6: I love reading. I have hardly any time during the college year to read books, so I don't read half as much as I should anymore. I love the way you can loose yourself in a good book, figure out how the characters look in your head and become totally absorbed in the story and their lives. Two of the best books I have read over the summer are 'The Adulteress' and 'Unravelling Oliver', they are definitely worth a read, because they're human stories. I suppose what I mean by that is they deal with ordinary people and how what happens to their lives makes them into different people. Also you have a preconceived idea of what you instantly think of the main character, but you find yourself challenging that when you read their stories, or at the least partially understanding their actions. 

                                 

       7: I love to write! Ok I don't know if you can count that as a fact, since you probably already know that by the fact I'm writing a blog. When I was younger though I wrote short stories and poems (yes I was that sort of teenager!) and through out most of my life have kept a written journal. I don't write stories or poetry any more, but I love writing my journal as its a great outlet for me and helps me to de stress and get things off my chest. I have to have my diaries in an A5 size, spiral bound, lined and have something cool on the cover, like hello kitty or something!  I think the blog is a great way to connect with people who  are like you and interested in the same things, and I have met some lovely people through it:) I suppose it's my way of putting my life out there too, and I do love writing about beauty, especially about affordable products, as I think some blogs are very high end product focus, and not everyone has the money for it:/ The mental health side of the blog is my way of accepting my own mental health, help other people to understand what the reality of struggling with your mental health is like, especially when you're in your 20's and reminding people whom have their own issues that they're not alone. A big part of it as well is I want to show that people who suffer with their mental health have everyday lives, problems and interests too. 

                                      

     8: I am really short with tiny hands and feet! I am 4'11, with a size UK2 foot or E.U. 34/35.  I hate trying to find trousers that fit or shoes for going out, its impossible! I have a bit of weight on me and a lot of the petite ranges don't seem to have size 10/12 left:( People think it's great because I can buy kids shoes, but when it comes to going out shoes I wind up having to look in specialists shops which means spending a fortune.  My mam and dad are quite short, though both over 5 foot, but my brother is very tall so he clearly got all the height! It has its uses and generally makes people think I'm younger than I am!

   9: From the ages of 12-14 I lived in Budapest in Hungary. My dad works with aircraft so he travels a lot, but this time we all moved with him. We went to an english speaking private school, as there was no way we could of learnt Hungarian! While we were there we visited Austria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Slovakia and Slovenia. Budapest is beautiful city and the Christmas markets are well worth a visit. 

                                                   

    10: I am terrified, terrified of flying! If there was a word that was 'more frightened' than terrified I'd used that word too. I was always quite scared of flying, which was a pain when we lived abroad, but in the last ten years I haven't flown and I feel sick with fear if I go near the airport! Having previously been in a long distance relationship, it is very restrictive and I am determined to do something about it after college. EasyJet have a programme for people who are terrified of flying which I am hoping to complete, has anyone else every done this programme or any other one? I think its the idea of being in an enclosed space and if someone got air sick around me, but I'm not fully sure what I'm frightened of, but I am determined to beat it!

                                         

    11: I have had my teddy, aptly named Teddy, since Santa brought him when I was seven and he still sleeps in my bed every night. I bring him everywhere I am going to be staying for a while, including college, holidays and hospital! He came from Pennys I discovered later, and is looking a bit worse for wear after several washes and many many years of cuddles! He's the only soft toy I won't let my pets play with and he always sits near my pillows. So sad I know, but it's a comfort thing and he reminds me of home. I love ya teddy!

    

                                                            

      12: Since I've been in hospital I really believe in the saying 'Clean room, clean mind' which basically means that if you're in a neat environment that it will help with how you deal with things when you're having problems. Maybe it's to do with having your room or home in order when you're mind isn't, or being in control of your surroundings when you're not really in control of whats going on in your head. I was never really too pushed before about having things neat, but since I have been home from hospital I find I sleep and think better in a clean tidy room. Or maybe I'm getting old. Actually its probably that! 

      

                                        

     13: I have no interests in brands. I'm much happier to get two items cheaply with no brand name, then get one with a brand name on it. I prefer to judge something on the basis of weather it does the job its supposed to. My Micheal Korres watch was €20 from a stall and the most brand like bag I have ever owned if from River Island. Saying that, I do have a Pandora with only real charms, and I'd love a Chanel quilted handbag! When it comes to makeup though, I can be a bit more of a brand snob, so far the best eye shadows I've found are M.A.C. but I have no objection to buying cheaper stuff if I find it works! The most expensive item in my make up collection is the Benefit Oxygen Wow foundation, which was €35 approx. As a rule I'm not a fan of Benefit, I think it's waaay over priced!

     14: I am surgically attached to my i-phone and I must change! I actually sleep with it charging under my pillow, but I have a good reason for that! I suffer with tinitus, which means I have a ringing or buzzing in my ears all the time, and it's particularly noticeable when there is no other noise around, so I use the rain apps or youtube videos to help me sleep. But I am terrible for always having my head in my phone, I hardly ever use it for calls, but I text a lot and live on instagram. I really have to stop!!

              

                                       

  15: I have incredibly pale skin,my body is pure white and I don't tan I burn. My skin is so pale that when I wear fake tan, which is seriously rare, I just look weird and dirty! It's very difficult to find a pale foundation pale enough unless you go for something higher end, but I have found recently that brands are getting better, I have two different formulations from Rimmel in Ivory and I have to say they're very good colour wise. I might do a blog post on paler foundations if anyone is interested? I recently purchased a white foundation to mix with mine from Makeup Revolution so I'll let you know how I get on with that. A good white foundation that isn't high end can be difficult to find but this cost me about €4! 

   16: I suffer really badly with home sickness, and miss my family tons! In the first year of college I decided I couldn't cope with the home sickness and was going home! I think in college it's something everyone goes through, even if they don't admit it. But in general I am not great at being away from home, and I have to text or talk to my mom every day, I still miss my dad and brother, but they drive me mad! I used to try get the dog on Skype and the phone, which didn't really work out!

                                    

    17: I hate Christmas. I know, I know, people are going to be like 'You're such a scrooge', but Christmas is a very hard time for me. For the last few years its been fairly crap, people were sick, my dad was away working in Abu Dhabi, family arguments, stupid stuff like that, but it affects how I feel about Christmas. I used to think I was a minority until I was in hospital last year, and a lot of people seem to hate Christmas! I came home Christmas eve from the hospital and had Christmas eve and day with my family and had to go back to hospital St Steven's day, the whole thing was a bit of a blur. I remember my mam making this special tree especially for me (I'll post a picture below), and watching Despicable Me 2. I was still going through withdrawals at that stage so dinner was not a big thing for me. But I dislike Christmas because it starts now before Halloween in the shops and by the time December comes around I just feel meh! I dislike it as well because I don't get that Christmassy feeling anymore, and I wish I could get it back, and it sucks so badly that I can't, and I feel I'm missing out on something wonderful that everyone else gets but me. In my home house my mom loves Christmas and goes to so much trouble, but she's the only person like that in our house. I don't know, maybe Christmas will improve for me and I'll develop happier memories.  In the mean time the wonderful tree my mom made, even though this picture makes me quite emotional..

                                      

  18: Moving on! I'm quite good at interior design. I can't do the drawings or room plans but I know what looks good together, I have a good eye for things like colour and pattern and I can visualise a room quite well before its even put together. I seriously thought about studying it at college but I wouldn't of enjoyed having to draw up room plans and mood boards and work with fussy people with no taste!

   19: I have had four operations in my life time. One to remove a growth from my wrist, one to remove a really large absess from my right jaw, one to sew up fissures and one to cut the nerves that cause period pains! After the one on my jaw they didn't sew the face up properly so the right side of my face looks a little slanted I think, especially around my mouth:( I have scars from all the operations, but luckily none of them are majorly visible.

   20: I'm not afraid of needles, but every time I get my blood taken I get really weak and pass out! The first time it happened to me was outside the doctor's office and a really nice old man told me it was a sign of being a really nice person:)

                                           

  So there is my 20 things about me! I hope it was a bit fun to read and learn more about me as a person. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read it as I know it's a bit long, if anyone has any questions or comments please feel free to leave them below! 

  xxxxx

                                                           

  

MaXfactor 2000 Calorie Mascara Review

Hi Pretty people!


    I return to you with another review! Mascara is fast becoming the new foundation of drugstores, or Boots to you and I, due to its many different formulations, wands and price ranges.  Also much to the delight of people who, like myself, love a bargain many drugstore buys are rivalling their higher end counter parts. 

    A while back I used a Maxfactor mascara that I really loved, and decided to find it and repurchase after falling in love with Maxfactor again, totally due to their new campaign with the beautiful Gwyenth Paltrow. I particularly love the sixties recreation below, so beautiful and feminine and just DEVINE! I have to say when I contacted Maxfactor about the products used in this picture they replied very quickly and were exceptionally nice, and nice staff will always encourage me to come back to a brand. Take note!:) 
      
                                               

    So off I went to buy the mascara, but I just could not remember which one I'd originally bought! So I decided to go with the 2000 Calorie in black, mostly because it was reasonable priced, €10.99. By the way I've since remembered it was the Masterpiece Max mascara I bought. 

   Well, first of all, this mascara has a very strong smell. The brush is quite large, and is roughly the same width the whole way along until it tapers slightly at the tip. The brush comes out saturated with the mascara which even when you wipe off the excess, is still heavily coated. This can lead to clumping of the lashes especially at the roots which is not a good look! Also the large brush makes it difficult to get to the inner corner and bottom lashes.  During the day there was a fair bit of smudging on the bottom lashes, but the top lashes held reasonably well. It doesn't hold curl fantastically well, but it isn't water proof, a formulation which is known for holding curl as best as possible. 

I took some pictures of before and after to let you see the mascara for yourself.

Eyes with no mascara 

                                       

Eyes with mascara just applied

  So, as you see the mascara is quite black and does add some length to the lashes, but can be clumpy. Bottom line I won't be repurchasing this as I'm just not happy with the brush and the strong smell coming from it. It wasn't too difficult to remove with my Nivea remover, but it did crumble a little while i was removing it, making it harder to keep out of the eyes, not good for sensitive eyes!

  Maxfactor's Lash Extension Effect has a much smaller brush so I think I'm going to give that one a try next, has anyone tried this? A beauty guru on YouTube recently made the very valid point that if you like the brush from one mascara just keep it and use it with other mascara, it might be a pain to keep clean though, what do you guys think? At least now I know to look for mascaras with a small wand to try next, can anyone recommend one? 

   Thanks so much for reading and I'd love to read your comments, thoughts and reviews! Be kind to yourself, and others. xx